


Rosa Canina

by twicedamnedharlot



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 11:33:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2227491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twicedamnedharlot/pseuds/twicedamnedharlot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rosa Canina, or Dog Rose, is symbolic of "Pleasure & Pain"</p><p>Yamaguchi, despite everything, accidentally lets his true feelings show. He doesn't take it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rosa Canina

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote a tsukiyama fic based on a cute tsukiyama comic (http://psych0-olll3city.tumblr.com/post/91844326752/and-the-rest-of-the-karasuno-team-watches-on-in) but made it super angsty and in second person.
> 
> Beta’d by stalkersuke on tumblr.

You’re not sure how it happens. One moment, you’re sure that you’re taking this awful secret to the grave, that you have everything under control. But then you’re doing something mundane, like wrapping Tsukki’s fingers with all the slow care that you can muster; not just to do a good job, you tell him when he complains, but also to have an excuse to hold his hands a little longer.

That’s when it happens. You admire his hands for too long in that way that you always do that you get lost in your thoughts, and unconsciously you find yourself pressing your mouth to them, holding it there while the world slips away.

And then it all come crashing down when he roughly snatches away his hand.

_Tsukki is…_

Tsukki is a cool guy, you’ve always thought. He’s not like you. He doesn’t panic or get swept up by emotions. He’s that young version of handsome that leaves you conflicted over whether you want to  _be_  him or be  _with_  him.

But it seems you were wrong about him in a way, because you didn’t know Tsukki could look like that, would look at  _you_ like that. 

He looks at you as if you were a monster.

It guts you of course, but the worst part, you think, is that even with the blood roaring in your ears, even with the ( _knowledge_ ) that he will never accept this disgusting part of yourself—

( _He breaks eye contact, face forming into a snarl as he hisses, “You shouldn’t have done that.”_

 _Ahh, you made him do that, you think as he leaves without you._ )

There is still an overwhelming urge to tell him your burden.

——

You give him space of course. One could even say you’re running away. But what else can you do when you've hurt the person you like? Such an obvious breach of trust, to find out another guy you were close to harbors such awful feelings behind your back.

You leave the classroom during lunch and eat by yourself somewhere where he can’t find you. You throw yourself into training by asking anyone who is willing to help you until you're both sore and exhausted (so exhausted that you can’t think of Tsukki or your traitorous feelings). You end up making friends with other classmates by helping them out with errands just to be too busy for Tsukki to keep up with. You don’t look at him directly anymore.

You start to wonder how obvious you're being when Hinata, tears in his eyes, asks you tremulously if “you two are fighting.”

You’re surprised to find your first response is to laugh, because all this week every exhale has you clenching your stomach. Every rare moment alone with Tsukki, you’re somewhere between screaming and sobbing and apologizing for everything you’ve ever done. You’re so tense that you’ve started developing muscle cramps in your shoulders and neck.

You laugh so hard it scares the decoy.

——

Whatever you’re doing must be pretty awful because Suga takes care to start practicing with you more.

“ _Are_  you guys fighting?” he asks carefully.

"I don’t think so," you mumble, because it’s too weird to explain even if you wanted to. "It’s more like… I did something. I really hurt him."

You have to stop because your throat closes up and your eyes burn and you sort of just want to collapse where you stand and wish for the end.

You’re so disgusting.

Suga’s watching you carefully. “You’re not an offensive person, so maybe it was just some kind of misunderstanding?”

You’re already shaking your head, hands clenched around a volleyball, focusing on trying to—to—pop it. It feels like that time with Tsukki again. Ears roaring, the urge to let it all out, every awful bit of it.

But you can’t. You know you can’t.

"I hurt Tsukki. So. I understand if he never forgives me." You slowly let out, mouth sounding out each syllable carefully.

It’s obvious the vice-captain doesn’t believe you.

——

If it’s like walking on eggshells when you’re around Tsukki, you can only imagine what it’s like for everyone around you. The guilt that’s been building since That Day has increased.

Suga must have said something to Daichi because he requests that you have a talk with him and the vice-captain, with Kiyoko acting as a mediator. 

You want the earth to devour you whole.

"Suga says you won’t say what’s going on between you and Tsukishima," Daichi begins, mouth set sternly. It’s a joke between everyone that Daichi is the dad and Suga the mom, but with them sitting across from you looking at you that way, in this situation, it becomes a terrible joke. It makes your stomach churn.

"Tsukishima won’t say much either," Suga adds softly, concern ( _pity_ ) in his eyes.

Kiyoko sits to the right of the captain, furthest from Suga, but her face remains impassive and open. Either way, it makes you nervous.

Heat rolls over your skin unpleasantly and you wish for the second time that you thought to take your jacket off instead of keeping it on too keep from feeling too naked.

"I respect that interpersonal problems should remain between those involved  _until_  it starts involving more people,” Daichi sighs. “Tsukishimi was a solid player before. Unmotivated, sure, but solid. Now he won’t focus and the others are scared that he’s going to blow up at some point.”

He looks pointedly at you. “I’m going to have to force you to end this.”

For the first time, you don’t feel like you’re in your own body. Your head’s dizzy, your stomach hurts, you’re sweating more than you should be in the cool air of the clubroom, you don’t think you’re breathing, but suddenly everything seems so far away.

You suddenly realize you’re supposed to say something.

There’s a lot you could say, you realize, you could be honest, but it burns at you that you might betray Tsukki’s privacy by revealing too much. And  _he_  already thinks you’re disgusting, you don’t need your upperclassmen to join that group either.

But you still want to. God, you want to. All of the things that you want to say, but shouldn’t are stuck in your throat and you spend a few minutes swallowing it all down and working your jaw.

But even when that’s done, you still betray yourself as this raw, scratchy voice comes from somewhere deep within you.

"Have you ever liked someone?"

You can’t look at them, but you can tell that they’re thrown by this because none of them say anything, but there’s blood roaring in your ears again and there’s sweat rolling down the back of your neck uncomfortably, and you just  _can’t stop._

"A-and then have you, for some reason, ever hurt that person? You never meant to, of course, but something happens and it’s your fault. And you want to apologize but it’s been so long now that you—you can’t stop, you want to but you can’t. You want to tell them how much you like them even if it hurts them, even if they already hate you. It’s just—" Wherever that voice came from it’s gone now, and you can only stare at the floor as the silence returns.

God, it’s so hot.

"So you two haven’t talked about this then?"

You startle as Kiyoko starts talking, and you realize it’s the first time you ever looked her in the face this entire lecture. Suga and Daichi looked surprised as well (and completely overwhelmed) but they’re looking at her as she carefully concentrates on her next words.

"Then… isn’t it obvious that that’s what you’re supposed to do?"

"But he hates me!" You blurt out and it hurts to say out loud but somehow freeing, being able to talk about it.

She shrugs. “So what do you have to lose?”

You stare.

"It seems to me that you started something and then never finished it. I think once you do that, you’ll both be able to move on." She stops suddenly, looking away to think for a moment. "Besides, Tsukishima isn’t the type that hates something and then let it bother him later."

She looks directly at you when she says, “You’re his friend, of course he cares about you even now.”

——

You’re too dazed to consider if you feel better or worse after that, but you do decide to walk home with Tsukki for the first time in a long time. ( _Although, ‘walking with’ isn’t nearly as accurate as walking behind at a fair distance_.) You are exhausted by the realization of how much you missed being with Tsukki. You wonder how you’re going to find the strength to do this.

Eventually, half-way home, in the darkness between street lights, you say to his barely visible back, “I’m sorry, Tsukki.”

You flinch at how fast he stops, his entire body shaking, fists clenched at his sides. 

You’re going to get yelled, at you realize, and you’re too tired to care. (And to be honest, you’ve waiting for it the entire time.)

The words never come.

"I’m sorry," you say again, softly, and you hate yourself again that in the end that’s all you can ever say.

"For  _what?_ " he snaps at you, still shaking. You’re so tired you can’t even flinch at the hatred in his voice.

"For… for everything. For avoiding you for so long, for making it hard for everyone on the team, for making it everyone else’s problem before doing  _this_ , for…” You take a deep breath and remember that your stomach is still clenched, that your body is too tense, and you just need to get this over with. He already hates you, you have nothing to lose, you remind yourself.

But it hurts.

Despite everything you don’t want to leave Tsukki.

“ _For kissing you_ ,” you breathe out, for the first time your body letting go of everything. You exhale fully without being stopped by that stone in your gut, your shoulders come down, and for once you feel

almost normal.

Like you aren’t breaking your heart.

You aren’t done though, not even when Tsukki spins around and stalks toward you. You can barely see the look of anger on his face, but it’s there and you’re still talking.

"I promise— I promise I’ll stop. I’ll never do it again. I’ll give up completely—" You’re not sure how, you’ve tried before, but this time you  _have_ to. “If I can’t I promise you won’t have to look at me ever agai—”

Tsukki towers over you, tall and furious. If you were smarter you would cower, but you do that all the time anyway so what would it matter?

"Don’t—" Tsukki strangles out, shaking harder, fists clenching open and closed at his sides. You have to close your eyes, because you don’t want to see what it will look like when he punches you.

You deserve this.

You’ll probably have to drop volleyball for everyone’s sake.

You deserve this.

You’ll never be able to see Tsukki again.

You deserve this.

You—

He’s kissing you.

There are fists clenched in the folds of your jacket, one slipping up to cup the back of your head to angle it up more.

He’s kissing you.

He’s pulling you closer, wrapping his arms around you until you’re trapped in him. And he won’t stop kissing you. He’s kissing your mouth, your cheeks, the corners of your eyes and he’s muttering and whispering, “Don’t  _go”_ over and over, arms holding you in place. _  
_

In the darkness between street lights, he kisses you.

You start crying. You’re crying and you’re tired and it must look awful, you’re so embarrassed, and you decide to just collapse there, falling through his arms to the ground. 

He follows you.

You don’t know why he doesn’t stop kissing you, why he’s kissing you in the first place. You’re an ugly, gross crier but he’s wiping away your tears and snot with his sleeve and he looks just as miserable as you feel.

"Don’t make decisions by yourself," he mutters as you hiccup, having cried two weeks of misery out of you.

"I like you," you weep. "I like you so much, I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry, Tsukki."

Tsukki’s sigh is long and suffering, and he collapses into you, arms enfolding you as he rests his head in the crook of your neck.

"I know," he tells you, voice vibrating up your neck and down into your heart. He sounds just as tired as you feel. "I like you, too."

——

You still don’t really talk about what you are now if only because neither of you know what to be. But it’s comfortable. Well, no. It’s new and exciting and terrifying but at least it isn’t miserable anymore. Now you both know each other’s feelings, and there’s a security in that.

So for now you both try to let things go back to as normal as you can get when you’re in love with your best friend who knows and reciprocates. All those hiding spots during lunch are for you and Tsukki now. Volleyball isn’t awkward and there’s a visible sigh of relief from everybody now that Tsukki doesn’t look ready to bite someone’s head off and you don’t look like you’re going to cry every ten seconds.

You make sure to thank Kiyoko.

"Umm, it’s embarrassing but do you think I should also thank the other two? Since they were there as well."

She hums, folding towels carefully into piles. “Only if you want to. I’m sure they understand what’s happening. Did you talk about everything you needed to?”

You know don’t have to answer her, because she would understand regardless. But you can’t help smiling as you nod once, whispering to her, “There’s still stuff we need to figure out, but I think we’ll be okay.”

You understand why Tanaka and Noya worship her smiling face.

——

You walk home side by side with Tsukki that night. Neither of you speak much, so neither of you remark on how close you two walk or how slowly you go to draw out the time together. And you certainly don’t mention whenever the two of you stray off the path to steal one or two kisses in the darkness.


End file.
